## IX. Interpersonal Relationships

### Respect Conditions and Be Yourself Bravely

Q: The Dharma tells us to let go and live in the present, but when we have to get along with a forceful and opinionated teacher or elder, how can we free ourselves from pressure and be brave enough to be ourselves?

A: We tend to live by our own standards, and when the world around us doesn't match them, we feel resistant. This is especially true when the other person is forceful and opinionated. We're more likely to feel oppressed, angry, or caught up in other negative emotions, and we can't understand why it has to be this way. How should we face this? The Dharma's teaching on "responding to conditions" is especially important here. Our understanding of responding to conditions may tend toward the negative—we think it means being casual or escaping. Actually, responding to conditions means respecting the differences inherent in dependent origination and not clinging to our own fixed ideas. Every life has its own path of growth. The views, mental state, and character someone has today, and the way they relate to people and handle things, are not accidental—they are the result of a long accumulation. When a person's views and mental state are problematic, that person is the first to suffer. If we understand this, whatever attitude the other person shows, we can accept it with an ordinary mind and won't feel hurt. Because that is simply how they are; they cannot help themselves.

Once we can accept this, we can communicate calmly with the other person, bringing compassion and wisdom. Compassion means having their welfare at heart, hoping they can be free of negative emotions; wisdom means solving problems through objective analysis rather than being swayed by emotion. This kind of communication helps everyone involved and helps resolve the matter. Being brave enough to be yourself means first solving the problem effectively. It's not about avoiding the issue because you resist it, which only leaves the problem unresolved; nor is it blaming the other person because you can't stand them, which only intensifies the conflict.

### Communicate, Don't Confront

Q: The control our parents exert is sometimes not what we want, but it is also not something we can change. Being born into such a family, we are bound to create certain karmic conditions rooted in ignorance with family members, sometimes even adverse ones. Are we helplessly swallowed up by these conditions? How can we pursue our life ideals without hurting our loved ones?

A: Being born into a less-than-ideal family environment does bring much helplessness, and this is a dilemma many people face. What can we do? First, accept reality rather than set yourself against them, otherwise the situation will only get worse. From the Dharma perspective, the family each person is born into is related to one's past karma. Since it is something we created ourselves, there is nothing to complain about; we can only adjust on the basis of acceptance. Moreover, our parents have shown us the love and care of raising us; out of gratitude, we should understand them even more.

Second, reflect on your life, clarify your future choices, and be clear about what you really want and don't want. If this is a choice you have made through careful thought and sound judgment, you will have the confidence and reasons to persuade your parents. Of course, the way you communicate must also be skillful: start from the angle they can most easily accept, without taking a fixed position or getting emotional. If you can do this, I believe your parents will understand you better. Their control comes only from anxiety and concern for you, not from ill will; this is the foundation for communication.

### A Win-Win Way to Get Along with Parents

Q: I want an unconventional life, while my parents want me to live a stable one, and this causes a great deal of conflict. How can I find a balance? What should I do when conflicts with my family arise because of practicing Buddhism?

A: This kind of problem happens in many families; it's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. Your choice has its own inner background, even habits carried over from past lives, so from your point of view it makes sense; your parents want you to be stable out of love and concern for you, so from their point of view it also makes sense. First, understand them and feel grateful for your parents' nurturing and care, rather than becoming adversarial. On that basis, communicate skillfully, and it is best to show your parents that you can set their minds at ease, letting them know that your idea is not a spur-of-the-moment impulse but a considered choice, one you're confident in and willing to take responsibility for. If you can put their minds at ease, I believe they will respect your choice. In short, don't become adversarial in attitude or action; otherwise both sides will surely lose.

As for practicing Buddhism, if your practice stresses external forms and you make big changes in your way of life before your family can accept it, this easily leads to opposition. So approach your family with the wish to benefit both yourself and them, hoping to benefit them through your words and actions. As we grow, our family will see these positive changes and gradually approve, even to the point of accepting the Dharma themselves. Among Three-Stage Practice students there are many such cases; it is a quiet, pervasive influence, like rain soaking into the earth unnoticed. But when family members are rigid and hard to change, you can temporarily step back. Whatever the situation, do not become adversarial; face it with faith, patience, and an altruistic mind. This itself is important practice. In fact, practicing within intimate relationships is very difficult, but there is no need to be discouraged; as our wisdom and compassion grow, there will always be more ways.

### Be Clear About What You Want

Q: How should older single adults face parental pressure to marry? What attitude should they have in looking for a life partner? I worry that romance and marriage will affect my practice, and the more I think about it, the harder it is to find an ideal partner. Should I let go of all this and just practice?

A: For parents, pressing their children to marry is perfectly normal. Especially in Chinese society, this is very common; not pressuring them would actually be unusual. For lay practitioners, Buddhism does not say you must marry, nor does it oppose marriage; it only tells you what responsibilities you should take on after marriage and that you should not engage in extramarital affairs or other improper conduct.

Marriage is first of all your personal choice; you must make the decision yourself. But married life involves two people, even two families; once you form a family, you should make your family a place of practice, learning acceptance, inclusiveness, and rejoicing in others' merits in your interactions, and wholeheartedly taking on all the responsibilities that come with it. If you truly wish to seek liberation beyond this world and devote yourself to the Dharma cause, wholeheartedly cultivating, that is of course an excellent choice, but you must also see the effort this path requires. Because this is not a form of escape; it is taking on a greater responsibility, making the welfare of sentient beings your mission.

So whether you marry or not is fine; the key is that you are clear about what you want. Of course, what you want is not always achievable—otherwise there wouldn't be so many older unmarried young people. The key is to have the wisdom to respond to conditions, to assess the situation, and to live well according to the conditions of the moment. In that case, everything is the best arrangement.

### The Practice of Growing Together with Your Child

Q: Since I began practicing Buddhism I have let go of a lot, but I still can't let go of my daughter's poor study and lifestyle habits. What should I do?

A: The "letting go" spoken of in Buddhism is not giving up. As Buddhist practitioners, we must first fulfill our responsibilities in society; therefore educating our children, honoring our parents, caring for our colleagues, and working diligently are all part of practice. Caring about your child's studies and guiding her to develop good habits are precisely what parents should do. The key is whether you are doing this with the right attitude and whether your methods are effective.

Many parents wear themselves out with worry over their children, yet the results are not ideal and may even cause suffering for both sides. At this point you need to reflect on your own motivation: do you truly want her to grow up healthy, or do you want her to develop according to your wishes? At the same time, consider whether your demands are reasonable and within her capacity. Every person has his or her own karma and is not that easy to change. Even with Buddhas and bodhisattvas present in the world, they can only liberate those with whom they have karmic connections, not everyone.

So we should do our best for our children while also respecting dependent origination and using skillful means, rather than simply acting according to our own wishes. When communication does not go well, adjust in time. If you have truly done everything you can, you should accept the present state. In fact, as long as your methods are correct, they will always help her somewhat; it's just that they haven't yet reached the state you hoped for, so there is no need to become entangled. You can take this as your own practice lesson and grow together with your child.

### Teach by Example

Q: We all know that education should start when children are small. How can we give children wise guidance so that they benefit?

A: Society as a whole today lacks education in how to be a good person, from school to society at large. What is more troubling is that external temptations and negative influences are everywhere. As their first classroom, parents must indeed care about their children's spiritual life and strengthen their moral character. If we want our children to benefit from the wisdom culture, the prerequisite is that we ourselves truly benefit. When our views, mental state, character, and conduct improve, when greed, hatred, and delusion decrease and compassion and wisdom increase, we naturally transmit positive messages and energy to our children.

Children are feeling beings; apart from explaining reasoning, what matters most is to lead by example, letting them see what kind of person you are and how you treat others, handle affairs, and deal with problems. Such teaching by example is the most direct and often surpasses verbal instruction. When a child has a problem, correct it promptly and explore with her why it is wrong and what to do; at the same time, weave in some principles about how to be a good person, and it will be more effective. Because this is not empty lecturing but connected to a concrete problem. In addition, create a harmonious family atmosphere so that children open their hearts and are willing to communicate with their parents, knowing that this communication is good for them. This is an important prerequisite for helping children grow up healthy.

### From Thinking of Yourself to Thinking of Others

Q: I am an only child and think of myself in everything; I am rather selfish. The Dharma teacher says I should cultivate compassion, but I feel inadequate and don't know how to be compassionate toward others.

A: As an only child, you're often the center of attention at home and get your way in everything, which develops self-centered habitual patterns. But this kind of self-centeredness doesn't serve you or society. For you personally, it means you haven't had much experience with adversity, so when you step out into society, you're likely to hit setbacks; for society, if everyone is self-centered, conflict and opposition will arise. Whether you practice Buddhism or not, in dealing with people you need to understand, respect, and include others. Only when you treat others well will they respond in kind; otherwise life will be very hard.

After recognizing the harm of self-centeredness, you should also recognize the benefits compassion brings to life. Some people think compassion is giving and being taken advantage of; in fact, compassion improves your state of mind and your relationships, makes you more blessed and more welcome. Most importantly, it elevates the quality of your life. Think about it: do we prefer selfish or compassionate people? Others feel the same way. As for how to do it, society says to put yourself in others' shoes, while Buddhism has the practice of exchanging self and others: turn the care you have for yourself into care for others, and turn your indifference toward others into indifference toward yourself; by shifting the center of concern, you free yourself from selfishness.

### How to Become More Accepting

Q: What would happen if there were no bad people or bad deeds in the world? How can we include everyone?

A: If there were no bad people or bad deeds in the world, it would become a Pure Land where everyone lives in harmony and joy. Buddhism holds that all phenomena are related to the shared karma of sentient beings. When human morality rises, the world becomes harmonious and nature comes into balance. When morality declines, disasters are triggered. The three great disasters that destroy the world—fire burning up to the heaven of the first dhyāna, water flooding up to the heaven of the second dhyāna, and wind scattering up to the heaven of the third dhyāna—together with the three lesser disasters of war, plague, and famine, are brought about by bad people and bad deeds; their root lies in the greed, hatred, and delusion within sentient beings' minds.

As for tolerance, the key is to arouse bodhicitta and establish the wish "I will benefit sentient beings and help them be free from suffering." This requires you to open your mind and accept all beings. Not being tolerant usually comes from being too hard on others and thinking you are always right. In worldly terms, this may just be aloofness and not necessarily a problem; but from the perspective of Buddhist practice, it means a stronger self-grasping and is a great obstacle on the path. I think that so-called good and bad people are really just healthy and unhealthy people. If the other person's problem is simply that he is unhealthy—a seriously ill patient—then we should help him rather than reject him. What is there that cannot be tolerated?